Finding my footing again after a serious car crash, I hoped to settle into relief and recovery. 

Only to receive this call: "The CAT scans from the accident show some nodes on your thyroid we need to test."

My initial reaction?

"It's probably nothing. Lots of people have nodes on their thyroid and it's usually nothing. And since I've had my share of somethings, this MUST be nothing."

Funny how our minds negotiate the circumstances served to us. But this coping mechanism is no less self-medicating than a pill or cocktail.

Look, none of us LIKES pain. We'd avoid it at all costs and come up with a host of ways to anesthetize ourselves.

What's problematic with the illogic of, "Surely one more bad thing can't happen..." is that you're gutted when it DOES.

Which is what happened when the ultrasound results came back "SUSPICIOUS."

My fight/flight instincts kicked in and a thorough Google search painted a picture that stoked my fears.

Note: There is a brand of toxic positivity I'm dislodging from that doesn't deal honestly with reality. But sometimes to break free of old beliefs we go WAY the other direction.  And neither extreme really serves the human soul. At least, not mine.

One of my default coping mechanisms in this state of fight or flight has been to scan for the meaning behind everything. "What am I supposed to learn?" "Where is the silver lining?" "What good will come from this?"

Maybe a huge settlement from the accident! (Nope.)

I'd meet a handsome chiropractor! (Nope again.)

Um...that's about all I could come up with in this state of panic.

That's not to say these are bad questions!  It's just when they are fueled by fear and desperation, they rarely evoke answers.

So I hit the mat.  And decided, "Whatever will be, will be."

I took my own advice and remembered that worrying wouldn't help one thing.

And I waited the eternal ten days until the biopsy was scheduled, all the while, using every tool in my toolbox to keep fear at bay.

On Tuesday, the day before biopsy day, I woke up to a gripping cloud of unshakeable doom.

What was wrong with me?

I admitted aloud, "I'm afraid."

One might think the source of fear was obvious, but when I continued crying out it - shockingly - wasn't the "c" word that brought me to my knees.

The source of my despair? I was going to my appointment alone. 

See, I had planned to Uber to the appointment, not wanting to disrupt anyone's schedule.

It never occurred to me to ask for help.

When it occurred to me that it never occurred to me to ask for help, I considered doing so.

And was gripped with an even greater sense of panic. 

What was going ON with me?

Then, better than a windfall settlement or a handsome chiropractor, my honesty delivered the true meaning of this experience.

I realized that my entire life, I diligently worked not to be a burden to anyone. At ten years old, when my father died suddenly, I swallowed all the feelings to not upset my mom. After all, she'd just lost her anchor and had to raise two girls on her own.

I observed her fight to build a life she never thought she'd have to on her own, and while admiring her resilience, it taught me never to expect anyone to provide for me.

To become fiercely independent.

To fight for the tab and be the first to whip out my credit card.

And to never, ever ask for help.

The Universe used the accident and subsequent suspicious nodes to awaken me to my solitary confinement.

A confinement of my own making.

A woman so comfortable giving and giving and giving and completely unused to receiving.

Because receiving takes vulnerability.

Yep, I hit the mat again, because once this realization washed over me I knew I had been extended an invitation to a new way of life.

Of give...AND take.

Of letting love IN, however it may come.

And, gulp...asking.

Like a whisper, I thought of my new friend, Taryn, who I met at the farmers market because I wore my Philadelphia Eagles jersey and she was a Philly girl.

What if...?

But she works!  And she's a mom!  And it's the middle of the week!

Still, knowing it was important for me to heed the whisper, I texted Taryn.

Her response?

"Don't. Ever. Think. Twice. I'll be there at 8 AM."

I burst into tears again; healing tears that washed over me and laid a foundation for a new chapter.  A chapter where I can be vulnerable enough to ask.

Sheesh!  How beautiful people are when they swoop in to help!  And how happy it makes them to do so!

And how much deeper can friendship go when it is both give...and take.

Could it be that the future of my dreams had been kept at bay because I was just too self-sufficient to receive it?

Ah, sweet surrender.

And then, far sooner than I had expected, the test results:

BENIGN.

But the true test had nothing to do with my thyroid.

And I passed.